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  • DiegoIdePersia

    Scene 10

    July 30, 2019 by DiegoIdePersia

    [trumpets]

    NARRATOR:The Tale of Sir Galahad.

    [boom]

    [wind]

    [howl]

    [howl]

    [boom]

    [angels singing]

    [howl]

    [boom]

    [howl]

    [boom]

    [pound pound pound]

    GALAHAD: Open the door! Open the door!

    [pound pound pound]

    GALAHAD:In the name of King Arthur, open the door!

    [creak]

    [thump]

    [creak]

    [boom]

    GIRLS: Hello!

    ZOOT: Welcome, gentle Sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Anthrax.

    GALAHAD: The Castle Anthrax?

    ZOOT: Yes. Oh, it's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice and we will attend to your every, every need!

    GALAHAD: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?

    ZOOT: The what?

    GALAHAD: The Grail. It is here.

    ZOOT: Oh, but you are tired and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crapper!

    MIDGET and CRAPPER: Yes, O Zoot?

    ZOOT: Prepare a bed for our guest.

    MIDGET and CRAPPER: Oh, thank you! …

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  • DiegoIdePersia

    Scene 9

    July 30, 2019 by DiegoIdePersia

    [trumpets]

    NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Robin. So, each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrels.

    MINSTREL: [singing]

    Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!

    He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken, To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!

    His head smashed in and his heart cut out And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off A…

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  • DiegoIdePersia

    Scene 8

    July 30, 2019 by DiegoIdePersia

    [King Arthur music]

    [clop clop clop]

    ARTHUR: Halt!

    [horn]

    Hallo!

    [pause]

    Hallo!

    FRENCH GUARD: Allo! Who is eet?

    ARTHUR: It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?

    FRENCH GUARD: This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard.

    ARTHUR: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.

    FRENCH GUARD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see.

    ARTHUR: What?

    GALAHAD: He says they've already got one!

    ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one?

    FRENCH GUARD: Oh, yes. It's very nice-a. (I told him we already got one.)

    FRENCH GUARDS: [chuckling]

    ARTHUR: Well…

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  • DiegoIdePersia

    Scene 7

    July 30, 2019 by DiegoIdePersia

    [clop clop clop]

    [boom]

    [boom]

    [angels sing]

    GOD: Arthur! Arthur, King of the Britons! Oh, don't grovel!

    [singing stops]

    One thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.

    ARTHUR: Sorry.

    [boom]

    GOD: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's 'sorry this' and 'forgive me that' and 'I'm not worthy'.

    [boom]

    What are you doing now?!

    ARTHUR: I'm averting my eyes, O Lord.

    GOD: Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms-- they're so depressing. Now, knock it off!

    ARTHUR: Yes, Lord.

    GOD: Right! Arthur, King of the Britons, your Knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.

    ARTHUR: Good idea, O Lord!

    GOD: 'Course it's a good idea! Behold!

    [angels sing]

    Arthur, this is the Holy Grail. Look well, Arthur, fo…

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  • DiegoIdePersia

    Scene 6

    July 30, 2019 by DiegoIdePersia

    [clop clop clop]

    SIR BEDEVERE: And that, my liege, is how we know the earth to be banana-shaped.

    ARTHUR: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.

    BEDEVERE: Oh, certainly, sir.

    SIR LANCELOT: Look, my liege!

    [trumpets]

    ARTHUR: Camelot!

    SIR GALAHAD: Camelot!

    LANCELOT: Camelot!

    PATSY: It's only a model.

    ARTHUR: Shh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride... to... Camelot!

    [in medieval hall]

    KNIGHTS: [singing]

    We're Knights of the Round Table. We dance whene'er we're able. We do routines and chorus scenes With footwork impeccable. We dine well here in Camelot. We eat ham and jam and spam a lot.

    [dancing]

    We're Knights of the Round Table. Our shows are formidable, Bu…

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  • DiegoIdePersia

    Scene 5

    July 30, 2019 by DiegoIdePersia

    MONKS:

    [chanting]

    Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.

    [bonk]

    Pie Iesu domine,...

    [bonk]

    ...dona eis requiem.

    [bonk]

    Pie Iesu domine,...

    [bonk]

    ...dona eis requiem.

    CROWD: A witch! A witch!

    [bonk]

    A witch! A witch!

    MONKS: [chanting] Pie Iesu domine...

    CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! We've found a witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch! A witch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! We've found a witch! We've found a witch! A witch! A witch! A witch!

    VILLAGER #1: We have found a witch. May we burn her?

    CROWD: Burn her! Burn! Burn her! Burn her!

    BEDEVERE: How do you know she is a witch?

    VILLAGER #2: She looks like one.

    CROWD: Right! Yeah! Yeah!

    BEDEVERE: Bring her forward.

    WITCH: I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch.

    BEDEVERE: Uh, but y…

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  • DiegoIdePersia

    Scene 4

    July 30, 2019 by DiegoIdePersia

    [King Arthur music]

    [music stops]

    BLACK KNIGHT: Aaaagh!

    [King Arthur music]

    [music stops]

    BLACK KNIGHT: Aaagh!

    GREEN KNIGHT: Ooh!

    [King Arthur music]

    [music stops]

    [stab]

    BLACK KNIGHT: Aagh!

    GREEN KNIGHT: Oh!

    [King Arthur music]

    Ooh! Uuh.

    [music stops]

    BLACK KNIGHT: Aaaagh!

    [clang]

    BLACK KNIGHT and GREEN KNIGHT: Agh!, oh!, etc.

    GREEN KNIGHT: Aaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaah!

    [woosh]

    [BLACK KNIGHT kills GREEN KNIGHT]

    [thud]

    [scrape]

    BLACK KNIGHT: Umm!

    [clop clop clop]

    ARTHUR: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight.

    [pause]

    I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

    [pause]

    I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my court at Camelot.

    [pause]

    You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?

    [pause]

    You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.

    BLACK KNIGHT: Non…

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  • DiegoIdePersia

    Scene 3

    July 30, 2019 by DiegoIdePersia

    [thud]

    [King Arthur music]

    [thud thud thud]

    [King Arthur music stops]

    ARTHUR: Old woman!

    DENNIS: Man!

    ARTHUR: Man. Sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?

    DENNIS: I'm thirty-seven.

    ARTHUR: I-- what?

    DENNIS: I'm thirty-seven. I'm not old.

    ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.

    DENNIS: Well, you could say 'Dennis'.

    ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called 'Dennis'.

    DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?

    ARTHUR: I did say 'sorry' about the 'old woman', but from the behind you looked--

    DENNIS: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!

    ARTHUR: Well, I am King!

    DENNIS: Oh, King, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By 'anging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perp…

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  • DiegoIdePersia

    Scene 2

    July 30, 2019 by DiegoIdePersia

    thud]

    [clang]

    CART MASTER: Bring out your dead!

    [clang]

    Bring out your dead!

    [clang]

    Bring out your dead!

    [clang]

    Bring out your dead!

    [clang]

    Bring out your dead!

    [cough cough...]

    [clang]

    [...cough cough]

    Bring out your dead!

    [clang]

    Bring out your dead!

    [clang]

    Bring out your dead! Nine pence.

    [clang]

    Bring out your dead!

    [clang]

    Bring out your dead!

    [clang] Bring out...

    [rewr!] ...your dead!

    [rewr!]

    [clang]

    Bring out your dead!

    CUSTOMER: Here's one.

    CART MASTER: Nine pence.

    DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!

    CART MASTER: What?

    CUSTOMER: Nothing. Here's your nine pence.

    DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!

    CART MASTER: 'Ere. He says he's not dead!

    CUSTOMER: Yes, he is.

    DEAD PERSON: I'm not!

    CART MASTER: He isn't?

    CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon. He's very ill.

    DEAD PERSON: I'm getting better!

    C…

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  • DiegoIdePersia

    Scene 1

    July 30, 2019 by DiegoIdePersia

    [opening music]

    [wind]

    [clop clop clop]

    ARTHUR: Whoa there!

    [clop clop clop]

    SOLDIER #1: Halt! Who goes there?

    ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!

    SOLDIER #1: Pull the other one!

    ARTHUR: I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.

    SOLDIER #1: What? Ridden on a horse?

    ARTHUR: Yes!

    SOLDIER #1: You're using coconuts!

    ARTHUR: What?

    SOLDIER #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.

    ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the ki…

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  • LexsJB

    Hi, I'm LexsJB and I'm a relatively new editor on this wiki. It's very quiet around here, but I'm used to editing on quiet wikis. I discovered Monty Python on Netflix during an exam season and soon, I seemed to be revising with Holy Grail and the Personal Best series playing in the background. On the UK Netflix, available Python things are:

    • Flying Circus and Fliegender Zirkus
    • Holy Grail and Life of Brian
    • Various documentaries with interviews
    • Monty Python Live (Mostly) and the 'in the making' documentary.
    • Live at the Hollywood Bowl, and Live at Aspen

    and I've managed to watch nearly all of them.

    I mostly add pages about the sketches of Flying Circus. It becomes tedious writing the synopsis but I always have the thumbnails to look forwards to addin…

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  • SummitMuppet

    Revitalization

    September 26, 2016 by SummitMuppet

    Hello! I'll be tending to this wiki! Thanks.

    -SummitMuppet

    Read more >
  • Concernedalien11780

    Good day, Monty Python Wiki, this is Concernedalien11780. My history with Monty Python goes back to when I was eight years old. Back then, I still enjoyed the company of my father, appreciating when he tried to be funny rather than occasionally restricting his right to communicate with others through humor, and admiring his frequent angry ramblings about the direction the world is headed and how the media covers events rather than allowing that to affect me to the point where I become contrarian to any social-political opinions presented to me, regardless of what they are and what my personal beleifs are, simply because of how his upbringing made me generally confrontational in that regard. We made up stories together involving a teddy bea…

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  • JanzPotter

    Yeah, so I've been on Wikia for some time now, and I just started work on this wiki! A lot needs to be improved, so I'm making it my job to make it better! I am an admin to The Giver Wiki and Editor to others Including Monk, Once Upon a Time, Harry Potter, and of course, Monty Python!

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  • XD1

    CAPTIVE AUDIENCE!

    August 19, 2011 by XD1

    Monty Python Wiki blogs are now LIVE on the main page!

    What do you love? What do you hate? Who do you hate? How do you feel? Why should we care?

    Spill your guts, or spill someone else's guts (verbally of course) and all those who dare visit this wiki will be forced - against their will - to read your mad ravings! (or at least the title and roughly first 200 characters...)

    So hop up on your soap boxes and rant away, my fellow street-corner lunatics, RANT AWAY!!

    Read more >
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