The Colonel was Graham Chapman's trademark role. He is a veteran British Army officer who tends to interrupt sketches which he considers to be "too silly".
- "Owl-Stretching Time"
- He first appears in the sketch "It's a Man's Life in the Modern Army," interrupting a sketch in which appeared the phrase, "IT'S A MAN'S LIFE IN THE CARDIFF ROOMS, LIBYA," and he accuses it of being stolen from the Army's slogan, "It's a man's life in the modern army."
- He interrupts another sketch for using the phrase, "It's a man's life taking your clothes off in public."
- He interrupts a sketch before it could even start upon hearing "It's a man's life in England's mountain's green" and demands them to do a sketch about teeth.
- He interrupts yet another sketch for using the phrase "It's a man's life in the British Dental Association," which prompts him to end the programme.
- "Full Frontal Nudity"
- He appears in "Army Protection Racket," where he speaks to a private who wishes to leave the army after realising it to be dangerous, and two mobsters who try intimidating him into getting the army involved in a Mafia protection racket. He eventually deems the sketch to be silly and ends it, with Luigi accusing him of not thinking of a punchline, which the colonel denies.
- Later in the episode, he appears between the sketches "Buying a Bed" and "Hermits," advising the programme to keep from getting silly and calls for an outdoor sketch, hoping it does not get silly. However, it does get silly and he ends it, forcing the cast and crew off a cliff.
- He does the same for "Dead Parrot.", agreeing with Eric Praline about the sketch being too silly.
- Even later in the episode, he jabs an announcer to introduce the "Hell's Grannies" sketch, which he ends after 'KEEP LEFT' signs attack a vicar, whose hair he claims is too long and that the signs are not even proper ones, thus ending the programme.
He links a few sketches in And Now for Something Completely Different.