Scene 10
[trumpets]
NARRATOR:The Tale of Sir Galahad.
[boom]
[wind]
[howl]
[howl]
[boom]
[angels singing]
[howl]
[boom]
[howl]
[boom]
[pound pound pound]
GALAHAD: Open the door! Open the door!
[pound pound pound]
GALAHAD:In the name of King Arthur, open the door!
[creak]
[thump]
[creak]
[boom]
GIRLS: Hello!
ZOOT: Welcome, gentle Sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Anthrax.
GALAHAD: The Castle Anthrax?
ZOOT: Yes. Oh, it's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice and we will attend to your every, every need!
GALAHAD: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?
ZOOT: The what?
GALAHAD: The Grail. It is here.
ZOOT: Oh, but you are tired and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crapper!
MIDGET and CRAPPER: Yes, O Zoot?
ZOOT: Prepare a bed for our guest.
MIDGET and CRAPPER: Oh, thank you! …
Scene 9
[trumpets]
NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Robin. So, each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrels.
MINSTREL: [singing]
Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken, To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!
His head smashed in and his heart cut out And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off A…
Scene 8
[King Arthur music]
[clop clop clop]
ARTHUR: Halt!
[horn]
Hallo!
[pause]
Hallo!
FRENCH GUARD: Allo! Who is eet?
ARTHUR: It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?
FRENCH GUARD: This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard.
ARTHUR: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
FRENCH GUARD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see.
ARTHUR: What?
GALAHAD: He says they've already got one!
ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one?
FRENCH GUARD: Oh, yes. It's very nice-a. (I told him we already got one.)
FRENCH GUARDS: [chuckling]
ARTHUR: Well…
Scene 7
[clop clop clop]
[boom]
[boom]
[angels sing]
GOD: Arthur! Arthur, King of the Britons! Oh, don't grovel!
[singing stops]
One thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
ARTHUR: Sorry.
[boom]
GOD: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's 'sorry this' and 'forgive me that' and 'I'm not worthy'.
[boom]
What are you doing now?!
ARTHUR: I'm averting my eyes, O Lord.
GOD: Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms-- they're so depressing. Now, knock it off!
ARTHUR: Yes, Lord.
GOD: Right! Arthur, King of the Britons, your Knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
ARTHUR: Good idea, O Lord!
GOD: 'Course it's a good idea! Behold!
[angels sing]
Arthur, this is the Holy Grail. Look well, Arthur, fo…
Scene 6
[clop clop clop]
SIR BEDEVERE: And that, my liege, is how we know the earth to be banana-shaped.
ARTHUR: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
BEDEVERE: Oh, certainly, sir.
SIR LANCELOT: Look, my liege!
[trumpets]
ARTHUR: Camelot!
SIR GALAHAD: Camelot!
LANCELOT: Camelot!
PATSY: It's only a model.
ARTHUR: Shh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride... to... Camelot!
[in medieval hall]
KNIGHTS: [singing]
We're Knights of the Round Table. We dance whene'er we're able. We do routines and chorus scenes With footwork impeccable. We dine well here in Camelot. We eat ham and jam and spam a lot.
[dancing]
We're Knights of the Round Table. Our shows are formidable, Bu…